I need help on my essay.
I see my essay is not really showing my opinion. Mostly all my paragraphs are just explainig the evidence I use. I want my essay more professional.
I want you to add more setence that show my position and not repeating same ideas over and over.
I attached the 3 files
1. Essay prompt with requirements.
2. Esaay draft and reviewed by professor (Please read carefully for professor comment with essay requirement on last page)
3. My revised essay ( I revised after professor commnets but still not satisfied the requirements.
**** Full pages please***
Thank you
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UNFORMATTED ATTACHMENT PREVIEW
A B C ENGLISH 1x RUBRIC Masters Requirement Exceeds Requirement Meets Requirement Thesis / Focus Thesis /topic sentences are compelling, complex, and focused, consistently demonstrating mastery of the topic and an awareness of the audience. Thesis and topic sentences answer the prompt effectively by keeping the writer’s point as the primary focus throughout the paper and engaging the complexities of the topic. Essay presents a central idea that answers the prompt and maintains the writer’s point through the paper in an adequate way, though the thesis may be simple or formulaic. Response to Assignment Argument Organization Thesis and argument respond to the assignment with a thoughtprovoking argument that responds effectively to all aspects of the task(s). Paper develops a compelling argument with insight, using indepth analysis, counterargument and a variety of rhetorical modes. Essay has an exemplary structure; paragraphs progress logically. The flow of sentences within the paragraphs enhances the writer’s argument. Paper clearly responds to the assignment, but may respond to some aspects of the task more effectively than others. Paper demonstrates effective analysis, with insights drawn from multiple perspectives and rhetorical modes. Presents counterargumen t. Paragraphs are well-organized, with an effective logical structure. Sentences within the paragraphs flow effectively, supporting the thesis/topic sentences. Paper responds to the assignment but may slight some aspects of the task. The paper supports the thesis with adequate evidence and analysis. Paper may attempt to develop insight. Paragraphs are organized, with adequate unity and coherence. Paragraphs should include transitions, topic sentences, explanation and support, and a conclusion. C-/D+ Marginally Meets Requirement Thesis and topic sentences may respond to the prompt only in part. Thesis and topic sentences may struggle to maintain focus consistent with the argument and with the prompt. Paper responds to the assignment but distorts, neglects, or misunderstands aspects of the task. The essay addresses its thesis inconsistently. The essay may lose focus or contradict itself. Argument may demonstrate confused or simplistic thinking. The paragraphs demonstrate some organizational framework but may lack relevant topic sentences and struggle with paragraph-level unity. A paragraph may lose focus on its topic and/or the thesis. D F Misses the Mark Fails Requirement Essay presents an assumed or implied central idea, though it may not take the form of a standard thesis or topic sentences. Summary may substitute for the thesis. Essay describes or summarizes rather than presents a central idea. Ideas may be disconnected or missing. Paper indicates confusion about the topic or neglects important aspects of the assignment. Essay suggests an inability to comprehend the question or to respond meaningfully to the assignment. Paper presents a confused or implied discussion of the subject. Summary may be used as a substitute for argument. Writing may discuss the topic generally rather than sustain an argument. Development and analysis does not meet the requirements of the assignment. Essay lacks an understandable sense of paragraphing. Paragraphs may have a point, but the logical structure connecting them may be implied or confused. Organization is not apparent in the paper. Internal paragraph structure and global structure are difficult to follow. Research / Support Essay uses compelling support from reliable sources to support the thesis in depth, cited correctly according to current MLA guidelines. Essay demonstrates effective support using multiple examples drawn from credible sources. Citation is mostly correct throughout the paper. Paper supports its claims with adequate research and/or examples. Outside sources are formatted and cited, though errors may be present. Grammar / Style Overall, grammar and style are pleasing to read, enhancing the writer’s argument and persuasiveness of the paper. Errors, if any, have negligible impact on readability. Essay shows clear sentences with some variety. Writing may include some minor errors, but overall it is fluent. Sentence level grammar, usage, and mechanics are comprehensible. Writing may reveal several errors that have little effect on readability. Paragraphs support claims with less-thanadequate evidence, such as generalization or personal evidence (when inappropriate). Evidence may be misrepresented of misunderstood. There is limited control of syntax and vocabulary. There may be an accumulation of errors that is distracting and that sometimes interfere with meaning. Essay supports thesis with unreliable sources or inappropriate evidence. Sources integrated poorly or not at all. MLA citation and formatting are missing or not attempted. Essay fails to include sources and/or does not integrate sources. Paper may include plagiarism. Essay contains sentences with numerous significant errors in punctuation, syntax, spelling, and/or diction that impede meaning. Essay contains sentences with frequent and significant errors that block understanding. English College education plays an essential role in refining and developing skills, knowledge, and competencies among the students to enable them to take up various occupations once they graduate. Colleges equip the learners with critical thinking and decision-making skills, thus allowing them to cope with the different challenges they encounter in their social lives. As such, colleges prepare students for upward mobility, which is one of the defining factors of the American dream. Colleges are usually determined to make the students live better lives than their parents, thus resulting in a progressive society. Social reproduction is promoted by a college education. This is seen by the college education changing the social class of the students. Social mobility is experienced when the individuals have attained a college education and thus no direct influence of their destination social class from their past. This makes their lives better as compared to the background they come from. Social reproduction is often considered one of the issues that promote socio-economic inequality between individuals. In the US, the social disparity between individuals exists based on their race, gender, social status, wealth, and even religion. Social reproduction theory postulates that the production of goods and services in the society and the production of life are part are highly connected and form part of one integrated process. In other words, as society expands economically through capitalism, there is a high chance that the aspect of inequality between individuals may also rise. Social mobility refers to the movement of a person or family from one social class to another as a result of the changes in the cultural, human, economic, and social capital factors. Social reproduction occurs when a given social structure undergoes selfperpetuation over time, resulting in the transfer of the social inequalities across generations. Choi 2 Haveman notes that the traditional role of education in the US was to promote the country’s economic efficiency and social equity among its citizens (p. 2). Students, after graduating from colleges, always possess the necessary skills and the competency required to enable them to engage in different economic activities. Students who fail to access college education often fail to enjoy the social benefits associated with increased social equality due to additional spending or investment in college education. However, those who graduate from college tend to possess the skills which enable them to invest in various economic activities. By doing so, college education helps them to break the social reproduction chain and become better off than their parents. Research shows that since the mid-1980s, there have been observed changes in social mobility that has been contributed by educational expansion in select dimensions of the US class structure (Pfeffer 6). This is where the younger and more fluid is successively replacing the old and less fluid. Pfeffer argues that social class backgrounds’ direct influence on social class destinations is lower among the increasing number of students that are being admitted to pursue higher education. The US government has been at the forefront to promote equality in education. The government has been seeking to offer equitable opportunities, especially in public schools, where every child can attend and acquire education. College education has benefited many people from low social status by enabling them to secure employment opportunities because of the knowledge and skills they gained from college or university. Consequently, most of the students have managed to achieve different but better standards of living than their parents. In other instances, it is because of the high salaries they earn that these students have gone ahead to uplift their parents to higher social status. Children from immigrant households have particularly benefited from the US higher education system. They have gained the skills Choi 3 and qualifications from colleges, thus enabling them to acquire employment in the country’s competitive labor markets (Hao 10). Therefore, college education has been instrumental in promoting social mobility and breaking off social reproduction in American society. The modernization theory holds that the expansion of higher education will result in social mobility because the demand for high education workers is continuously increasing. However, the available supply of high education workers does not meet the required demand (Hao 9). Many industries have expressed a deficiency in the skilled workforce over the years. Such gap assures college graduates of the high chances of securing well-paying jobs quickly after graduating as opposed to the high school drop-outs. Besides, some students work part-time while still undertaking their college studies, thus increasing the supply of skillful workers. The aspect of social mobility in the US has improved significantly over the past few decades due to increased higher education intake. There is no doubt that higher education positions one to a better employability position if compared to a person who did not go to school entirely. Hence, college education has been among the leading forces towards breaking the social reproduction in the 20th and the 21st centuries in the US and other countries. One of the contemporary roles of college education in the United States is to shift the social reproduction paradigm to promote social mobility by incorporating skills and expertise on the students that are better and more socially productive compared to what their parents have. Colleges have equipped learners with different employability skills to help them secure white or blue color jobs that are always characterized by better earnings. That way, college students are set to lead better lives compared to their parents, thus enabling the graduates to break away from the country’s social reproduction notion. Furthermore, college education increases the student’s possibility to take investment risks after graduating, which further increases their chances of Choi 4 social mobility. The effort of the US government to promote education equality has assisted many children from low-class families. For instance, immigrant children can today access higher education, thus enabling them to transform their lives and that of their families. In conclusion, college education plays a vital role in reducing inequality associated with social reproduction. The social mobility ladder is there for all to climb and the hardworking students are free to climb it as far as they can. College education equips learners with both the skills and knowledge to enable them to take up various job occupations, which ultimately allows them to live better socio-economic lives. Choi 5 Works Cited Hao, Lingxin, and Suet-Ling Pong. “The role of school in the upward mobility of disadvantaged immigrants’ children.” The ANNALS of the American Academy of Political and Social Science620.1 (2008): 62-89. Haveman, Robert, and Timothy Smeeding. “The role of higher education in social mobility.” The Future of children (2006): 125-150. Pfeffer, Fabian T., and Florian R. Hertel. “How has educational expansion shaped social mobility trends in the United States?” Social Forces 94.1 (2015): 143-180. Importance of College Education in Addressing Social Reproduction College education plays an essential role in refining and developing skills, knowledge, and competencies among the students to enable them to take up various occupations once they graduate. Colleges equip the learners with critical thinking and decision-making skills, thus allowing them to cope with the different challenges they encounter in their social lives. As such, colleges prepare students for upward mobility, which is one of the defining factors of the American dream. Colleges are usually determined to make the students live better lives than their parents, thus resulting in a progressive society in terms of social reproduction. Specifically, the fact that the US is a land of limitless opportunities and meritocracy with the equality of opportunities, there is no doubt that higher education ensures social mobility. Therefore, the role of colleges in the United States is to break the social reproduction and promote social mobility by making the learners better off than their parents. Social reproduction is often considered one of the issues that promote socio-economic inequality between individuals. In the US, the social disparity between individuals exists based on their race, gender, social status, wealth, and even religion. Social reproduction theory postulates that the production of goods and services in the society and the production of life are part are highly connected and form part of one integrated process. In other words, as society expands economically through capitalism, there is a high chance that the aspect of inequality between individuals may also rise. Social mobility refers to the movement of a person or family from one social class to another as a result of the changes in the cultural, human, economic, and social capital factors. Social reproduction occurs when a given social structure undergoes selfperpetuation over time, resulting in the transfer of the social inequalities across generations. Haveman notes that the traditional role of education in the US was to promote the country’s economic efficiency and social equity among its citizens (p. 2). Students, after graduating from colleges, always possess the necessary skills and the competency required to enable them to engage in different economic activities. Students who fail to access college education often fail to enjoy the social benefits associated with increased social equality due to additional spending or investment in college education. However, those who graduate from college tend to possess the skills which enable them to invest in various economic activities. By doing so, college education helps them to break the social reproduction chain and become better off than their parents. Research shows that since the mid-1980s, there has been a trend of reverse or stalled signals on the aspect of social class fluidity in select dimensions of the US class structure (Pfeffer 6). Pfeffer argues that the past general stability patterns in mobility are due to the increasing number of students to are being admitted to pursue higher education. The US government has been at the forefront to promote equality in education. The government has been seeking to offer equitable opportunities, especially in public schools, where every child can attend and acquire education. College education has benefited many people from low social status by enabling them to secure employment opportunities because of the knowledge and skills they gained from college or university. Consequently, most of the students have managed to achieve different but better Commented [AG1]: The thesis clearly responds to the prompt . Commented [AG2]: This isn’t clearly phrased. What are signals of social class fluidity? Commented [AG3]: How are past patterns in mobility due to increasing numbers of students who are being admitted? The present doesn’t impact the past. Do you mean that the current shift from the past pattern is due to more students attending college? What is the shift in the pattern? standards of living than their parents. In other instances, it is because of the high salaries they earn that these students have gone ahead to uplift their parents to higher social status. Children from immigrant households have particularly benefited from the US higher education system. They have gained the skills and qualifications from colleges, thus enabling them to acquire employment in the country’s competitive labor markets (Hao 10). Therefore, college education has been instrumental in promoting social mobility and breaking off social reproduction in American society. The modernization theory holds that the expansion of higher education will result in social mobility because the demand for high education workers is continuously increasing. However, the available supply of high education workers does not meet the required demand (Hao 9). Many industries have expressed a deficiency in the skilled workforce over the years. Such gap assures college graduates of the high chances of securing well-paying jobs quickly after graduating as opposed to the high school drop-outs. Besides, some students work part-time while still undertaking their college studies, thus increasing the supply of skillful workers. The aspect of social mobility in the US has improved significantly over the past few decades due to increased higher education intake. There is no doubt that higher education positions one to a better employability position if compared to a person who did not go to school entirely. Hence, college education has been among the leading forces towards breaking the social reproduction in the 20th and the 21st centuries in the US and other countries. One of the roles of college education in the United States is to break the social reproduction and promote social mobility by making students better off than their parents. Colleges have equipped learners with different employability skills to help them secure white or blue color jobs that are always characterized by better earnings. Hence, college students have managed to live better lives than their parents, thus enabling individuals to break from the country’s social reproduction. Besides, college education increases the chances that students will take investment risks after graduating, thus increasing their chances of social mobility even further. The effort of the US government to promote education equality has assisted many children from low-class families. For instance, the immigrants’ children can today access higher education, thus transforming their lives and those of their families. In conclusion, college education plays a vital role in reducing inequality associated with social reproduction. College education equips learners with both the skills and knowledge to enable them to take up various job occupations, which ultimately allows them to live better socio-economic lives. Please find your commentary in the rubric table below. The rubric is divided into sections, each of which focuses on a particular writing component; these form evaluation categories. Within each section are descriptions of the typical performance of an essay that fits into a specific performance/grade level. These descriptions originate from the English Department rubric. Within each section, you’ll see a level and description highlighted. The highlighted level correlates with your essay’s performance in that category. In the final blue cell are final comments on your essay. These comments are not designed to be all-inclusive. Instead, the comments focus on one or two elements of your writing. The purpose is to show you what you should continue to do (and to develop) and what you should work on for the next assignment. If you have questions or would like clarification, please contact me. ENGLISH DEPARTMENT RUBRIC CATEGORIES & DESCRIPTIONS RESPONSE TO THE ASSIGNMENT Should be a minimum of 3 full pages. Should respond to the prompt (What role does college play in social reproduction?) Should offer a thesis that presents your opinion. Masters requirement: Thesis and argument respond to the assignment with a thought provoking argument that effectively addresses all aspects of the task(s). Exceeds requirement: Paper clearly responds to the assignment, but may respond to some aspects of the task more effectively than others. Meets requirement: Paper responds to the assignment but may slight some aspects of the task. Marginally meets requirement: Paper responds to the assignment but distorts, neglects, or misunderstands aspects of the task. Misses requirement: Paper indicates confusion about the topic or neglects important aspects of the assignment. Fails requirement: Essay suggests an inability to comprehend the question or to respond meaningfully to the assignment THESIS Masters requirement: Thesis is compelling, complex, and focused. Exceeds requirement: Thesis answers the prompt effectively by keeping the writer’s point as the primary focus throughout the paper. Meets requirement: Essay presents a central idea that answers the prompt and maintains the writer’s point through the paper in an adequate way, though the thesis may be simple or formulaic. Marginally meets requirement: Thesis and topic sentences may respond to the prompt only in part. Thesis and topic sentences may struggle to maintain focus consistent with the argument and with the prompt. Misses requirement: Essay presents an assumed or implied central idea. Summary may substitute for the thesis. Fails requirement: Essay describes or summarizes rather than presenting a central idea. Ideas may be disconnected or missing. ARGUMENT Masters requirement: Paper develops a compelling argument with insight, using indepth analysis. Exceeds requirement: Paper demonstrates effective analysis, with insights drawn from multiple perspectives. Presents counterargument. The thesis and paragraphs work together to craft a focused argument. Meets requirement: Essay supports the thesis with adequate evidence and analysis, though the essay may lose focus at a point. The essay may attempt to develop insight. Marginally meets requirement: The essay addresses its thesis inconsistently. The essay may lose focus or contradict itself. Argument may demonstrate confused or simplistic thinking. Misses requirement: Paper presents a confused or implied discussion of the subject. Summary may be used as a substitute for argument. Writing may discuss the topic generally rather than sustain an argument or may struggle to maintain focus on the thesis’s argument. Fails requirement: Development and analysis do not meet the requirements. GRAMMAR/STYLE Masters requirement: Grammar and style are pleasing to read, enhancing the persuasiveness. Errors if any, have a negligible impact on readability. Exceeds requirement: Essay uses clear sentences with some variety. Writing may include some minor errors. Meets requirement: Sentence-level grammar, usage, and mechanics are comprehensible. Writing may reveal several errors that have little effect on readability. Marginally meets requirement: There is limited control of syntax and vocabulary. There may be an accumulation of errors that is distracting and that sometimes interfere with meaning. Misses requirement: Essay contains sentences with numerous significant errors in punctuation, syntax, spelling, and/or diction that impede meaning. Fails requirement: Essay contains sentences with frequent and significant errors that block understanding. OVERALL The thesis makes a claim that matches the paragraphs’ focus on social mobility. I see that the essay draws upon research to make its claims. At times, the essay reads like a story you are telling based on what you read rather than an argument for the perspective you argue for. The paragraphs also are so generally focused that they by necessity make very general and therefore simplistic assertions. The topics are more complex than the paragraphs acknowledge. Work on bringing nuance and specificity into your discussion. This will make for a more effective and thoughtful argument
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